Saturday, 31 December 2011

The New Year's post

Artwork by Tania

So… the New Year’s post.
How was the 2011? Saying ‘crappy’ would be a great simplification. In some way it was the worst year in my life. The outside world wasn’t too friendly but my own mind gave me a proper thrashing too (bastard). On the other hand it was good. I’ve learned a lot about myself, become richer (alas, only spiritually:)… But let’s ‘itemize’.

- It started kind of ok. Still home in Poland, but running out of savings with an amazing speed. After few months of chilling out (after the Bristol era) I begun to realize that nothing had materialized; no miraculous source of income, no one discovered my talents, no splendid heritage falling from the sky. It meant that soon I'd had to look for work again. Long hours of boring or exhausting (most likely both) job, problems with a boss, short, feverish weekends – all of that was about to come back in this or that form.

- My knee got messed up by excessive exercise. I spent a fortune on a treatment (not covered by insurance). Didn’t help. Savings shrunk even faster.

- In March we moved to Copenhagen. It was actually something I was looking forward too. We used to love the place and I was happy to come back after seven years. Pretty soon we crashed on the wall of bureaucracy and indifference. Looooong days spent in the offices, hostility of clerks, housing problems, financial problems (debts, debts, and then more debts).

- And eventually: May – the nervous breakdown. I shattered like a broken bottle of cheap, sour wine. Basically it happened from day to day. On Monday I was kind of ok; just a stressed, tired guy, on Tuesday I woke up trembling, terrified and completely lost. Man in pieces.

- June - finally we found a place to live! Little room in Valby. Not a chateau, but we could move on, and that was such a relief.

- Still no work. Fortunately Tania had a part time job, so we could kind of sustain ourselves (hardly).

- July – the highlight of the year – we went to a spiritual retreat to meet for a first time the person who was inspiring us for years with his lectures, books, letters. It was an amazing experience. Both me and Tania, we got initiated and filled with hopes for better times.

- August – the inspiration worn off quickly. It’s not easy to hold a head in the stars, when there is not much to put on the stove. The anxiety and panic attacks are back.

- September – I’m starting job as a chef. Of course I’m happy to have some income at last. But the hard work in a steamy kitchen and long shifts aren’t exactly what my nerves need. Anyway, it’s not that bad. I can cope.

- Work, work, work, anxiety, ukulele, work, anxiety, work, ukulele...

- November - successful knee surgery.

- Less anxiety. Then even lesser. Ukulele. Little more anxiety. Then little less...

- We finished paying off the debts (yay!!).

- And here I am – January the 1st, 2012.

That was a bloody long year, I’m telling you. But I’m glad. Tania is still here, so am I, so are our hopes, dreams, small Christmas tree with the handmade ornaments, new songs I’ve learned, some faith, couple of old bikes, new recipes, old peccadillos, new Tarot deck*…

Anyway, enough about me. Happy New Year to all of you, guys! Let's hope it will be a good one. I'm pretty sure, it will. But I'm a fool, so don't take it for granted.

*I don’t know if any of you, Tarot lovers, are reading it, but u must check out the Shadowscapes Tarot. The most beautiful deck, I’ve ever used.


  1. Hope 2012 will be betther and with lss anxiety... by way you are the master of your body and mind its is hard job o tell yourself dont feel anxious anymore and rise to do something what guves you pleasure :>

  2. Thanks, Martyna, I also hope it will be better. As for being the master of our mind and body, hmmm... that's a bold statement...:)