Wednesday, 30 November 2011

When I was a wolf

Drømte mig en drøm by Valravn on Grooveshark

Sometimes I think, my writing is too personal. I started this blog just with funny drawings, and for a while I was able to keep bystander’s distance to reality. But then I cracked – it just wasn’t me. It was fun and I still want to keep drawing (though my “afflatus” has left me for the time being), but I find myself in a natural environment when I’m introspective in my writing. Even while writing fiction I’m drawing mostly from my own life and feelings, more even then people who’ve read it, think (considering that these are mostly weird fiction/horror/magic stories).

The life is magic, and I don’t mean it just in some metaphorical sense. The universe is really magic. We just see and touch the external, pale layer of it. We can reach deeper, if we really try. I’m pretty sure we have the tools, but we are so stupefied, so covered, nowadays.

I can say from my own example. I lived my teenage years in the pre-internet era. We just had one TV channel. The only computer in the village belonged to a cop’s kid, and we used it to play (rarely) Commodore 64 games. When you wanted a music album, either you had to buy it (ha, ha, who had the money? It was like 1/10 of an avarage wage) or make a cassette copy, usually in a very bad quality. When you needed information, you had to use a big, heavy, often outdated encyclopaedia. When you wanted to meet someone, you just went to his home and knocked on the door. If you felt like watching porn… well, that wasn’t easy at all, and it was actually easier to use your colourful and relatively innocent imagination.

Of course the life wasn’t idyllic, I had plenty of problems, involving broken heart, drugs and alcohol abuse, family issues, school problems – typical teenager quandaries. But somehow the mind worked in a slower pace, and not only that; it was also more magic-sensitive. I remember the evening, long winter walks, watching bright stars and the moon, and experiencing such a thrilling sensation of the presence of mystical beings, continuity of existence, higher connection… (I’m not including here the drugs’ experiences, so bugger off, I wasn’t high;). There were so many things, so many shades of emotions and feelings. Not only that. There were things happening, amazing things (but I leave it for another time).

Many things changed since 90’s. Everything has speeded up. The unlimited access to information filled our heads, but emptied souls. We know more, but we experience less. That’s so scary. And many of us can’t cope with this unhealthy state. We suffer anxiety, depression, panic, feeling of being lost, meaningless of the world. And it’s not because the world lost its meaning (or never had it). It’s because we are so deafen by this lurid hubbub around us, that we can’t make any sense of anything. We are like a deer stepping out of the wild forest on a highway, blinded by the lights of a big truck which is about to smash him to a pulp. This is unhealthy world we live in, not us, who is messed up.
We have to try to shake it off, break free.

To walk in the winter nights,
With snow creaking under boots,
With ancient gods and ghosts
Waving to us from their sky-ships,
With our thoughts crisp and clear,
Our roots deep and sturdy,
Our wings lighter then moonlight.
I remember the dark winter nights,
When I was a wolf.
I’ll meet you there.


  1. I think you will like this speech: :-)

  2. Sandra, thank u so much, this beautiful, amazing.

  3. That post gave me the chills a little bit. That's rare.

  4. As longs as these weren't the "Oh jeez, what a psycho" chills, thank you:)

  5. Fells like a spot on diagnosis. Thanks for the food for though.

  6. Great post!
    I was also a teen before the internet, and actually I think we had more fun than today's youth. Smartphones interfere with our lives too much now; I refuse to get one myself. They steal attention and presence from the people constantly using them, and I find them quite annoying. Or maybe I'm just getting old.

  7. Hey great post. :) I know exactly how you feel. I think true values will never change, friendship, honesty is and will be there all the time. But now surrounded by such access of information I'm getting seriously lost and hardly could name it what is what... When I was a teen age I was really daily... fucked up by porn. And that was really unhealthy for ar 12 - 16 years kid. It was one of the most fucked up ways to escape I mean for a kid. My parents they read books, and I truly think that's much better and a lot more enriching your brain. Damn now I realise problems of my evolution more in detail. Thanks for clarifying the situation. :) Good writing style again. Very light. Like it.

  8. Rytis, I'm feeling honoured, that you spend so much time with my blog today. What you think about starting your own? First - it's good for clarifying our position, ideas, and second - it's good for others, to get inspired or warned on the path of life:)

  9. I guess I never felt that I want to open up for everybody so much, I don't even know would I have to say anything. But maybe that's the thing while keeping my self away from everyone the tendency to think that something is wrong in general with me is stronger. And sharing might be awesome tool to find myself. Yea I think I'm up for it. Could have very positive effect with my spiritual growth. And maybe as you said with some one else's to :)
    And I guess shouldn't push my self to write something very clever, very nice very perfect. :) There should be all kinds of crap in these blogs. Just thinking out loud. :)