Friday, 28 October 2011

Turning inside


Last night I woke up in the middle of a very important, meaningful dream. I knew I had to remember it – it was my subconsciousness or whoever telling me something significant. It was dark, I didn’t want to wake up Tania and I was sleepy so I decided I wouldn’t turn lights on and write it down. Instead I memorized a key-word, which would remind me everything in the morning. I was so sure I would remember it, ha, ha. Well, maybe it wasn’t that important message after all.

The first two days of my weekend I spent mostly in bed reading books and watching new episodes of Dexter. Today, after doing a huge laundry, I dragged myself out. I took a train to Flintholm, then a metro to Christiania, had a walk there, drunk a small beer (which in Denmark means just “a beer”), smoked a cigarette (first one since a long time), then walked to Nørreport and back home. Nothing exciting. I’m not considering taking up smoking again. I’m just so tired of my anxiety and constant worrying about everything that I wanted to do something stupid and not to feel bad about it. It worked:)

Then I drew the blinds, put some chilled music on and napped with radiators full power on and air humidity of a rainforest (from all that laundry drying in the room). It felt like sleeping in a sauna. When Tania came from work she told me I’m crazy and I should open the window, because it feels like a stinky, sweaty jungle in here:)

Main reflection from today – I think I'm losing hope for profound communication with people. That was my main drive for the first half of my life (assuming that I'm in the middle of it) - actually last few years it became even a kind of obsession – but now I start to withdraw. All those journeys, talks, faith leaps, sacrifices, etc. - it just doesn’t seem to work. Either there is something wrong with me, either with humanity, or I’m just out of luck, and don’t get meeting the right people. Whatever the reason is, I’m turning inside. I’m still open (I wouldn’t continue this blog if I wasn’t), but it’s more a habit then something real. (I’m not being bitter or whining here, so thanks for well meant advices!;)

Ok, the last day off is almost over. Tomorrow back to work. And on Sunday my pay-cheque should arrive. I’m thinking about new shoes and winter coat. And gloves without fingers! I love those and the ones I have are in shreds already. And a new train pass (two zones). I feel like a Copenhagen king with it.

7 comments:

  1. So Bro... Respect for your crazy visions... :)

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  2. I find (so take this with a grain of salt or other spice of your choice, I like cinnamon, but to each his own) that there must be a balance. If you've been focusing on the external communication, you may have been silencing the internal. Putting oneself out there, trying to make connections, takes a lot out of a person. So you must put something back in. But if you are loading up on experiences and new ideas, but not taking the time to digest them properly, to ponder and let them roll around in your head, you aren't really filling yourself up.

    OOOOH, I have just thought of an extended metaphor!

    It's like jogging. Jogging is good for you and makes you feel great (or so people tell me). But if you jog every day and don't eat, you'll die. Likewise, if you only eat empty calories, you'll die. You have to eat healthy and remember to digest your food before you go running (or you vomit, or something).

    Jogging is meeting people and trying for connections and communication. Experiences are food. Unless you stop to reflect on the experiences, they are empty.

    Ergo, I think that the turning inside is a good thing. It will re-center yourself, return the balance.

    (I'm not sure if this should be filed under "well meant advices" or "random encouragement.")

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  3. Hey, i just wanted to let you know that i posted an answer to your comment over on my blog. Sorry for being so slow about that! The books are all on amazon uk by the way.

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  4. Interesting post, I can definitely relate. I also spent a lot of time focused conversation and on trying to take an active and healthy interest in other people's perspectives (not always successfully) but found that moving to Denmark dampened this part of me. I don't think it has so much to do with age (although that can be part of it) as with where you are and the predominant culture that surrounds you. Some places are just more rewarding for questioning minds, I strongly suspect that Denmark is not one of those places once you've exhausted Denmark's own specific features.

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  5. I think the "there is something wrong with me" is a fase that most of foreigners go though in Danmark at some point. And a lot of people go though some sort of personal crisis because of this thought. Don't give in to it. Rather pack yourself into some sort of transportation and get out of DK physically for a while, like go to Malmo or something :) (well meant advise).

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  6. looks that somebody is feeling a bit depresed too ;>

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  7. Hej!
    Thanks for the comments, guys!
    I don't think this is Copenhagen's fault. Actually I love the city and I don't feel that Denmark alienates me. I used to live in other countries and I felt the same. I guess this is just me:) But of course changing a country is always challenging.

    Archaeogoddess - I'm going to think about what you wrote, tehre is something in it. I also think that I should get deeper inside for a while and build something there. Maybe that's the reason that outside stuff doesnt work - it's suppose to force me inside:)

    Martyna - so you are depressed too, yes, I've seen it on your blog. I can recommend something which I find helpful: St John's wort. You can find it here in apotekas. They call it perikon. Check it out. I hope you will find the sunshine inside:)

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