Sunday, 7 August 2011
When I was a kid I loved that one movie about the scouts, and I dreamt about becoming one. You know; brotherhood, adventure, competition.
My first attempt was a disaster – on the first scouts meeting, couple of guys and me, we started to play with the fire extinguisher. I dropped it, which set it off, and the foam covered all the walls (and the school had just got freshly painted). I got fired.
Few years later I decided to give it another try. This time I had a hidden agenda – I was in love with that beautiful girl from the older grade, who was a scout too. So we went to a scout camp, but then instead of trying to win her heart, I was so nervous, that I got drunk with older boys, and spent all night telling them gothic stories, I had read in Poe’s books. I guess I was more of a reader then an achiever. When the next day we came back home, I signed off.
Was I romantic or really, really dorky?
There is nothing like a big, greasy falafel, when you are cycling in the city. The guy who served it looked really pissed off, but then I realized that Ramadan has started, so that poor fellow will have his first bite not until the late evening.
The day is sunny and bright, people look chilled out (apart from that hungry falafel guy).
Danish folks spread all over the graveyard (Assistens Kirkegård), laying down, drinking wine, kissing. I like this approach to a place, where dead people live (I mean stay. Or whatever). “Let’s have a joint and make love as long as we can, because soon we will join these guys”.
* * *
There is so much stuff changing in my life lately, that sometimes it’s scary. I don’t mean external changes, but consciousness. It is like watching a birth – exciting, beautiful and definitely messy.
At this point I am open for any change the life will offer. It feels cool.
Facing my fears? Wow. I never do this. Maybe I should start.
Fear number One – Losing sanity.
Yeah, seriously. I am a quite fragile person, sensitive to everything, worrying too much. For example I try to be a social activist; I publish an anarchist zin, participate in the protests, etc. But then all that crap from the world gets into my heart so deep, that I’m just getting more and more angry, and then more and more sad. And then I have to stop for a while, because I just go crazy.
Yes, this is my biggest fear – that the world will crash my mind.
Fear number Two – Unaccomplishment.
Oh yes, this is a biggie too. I never suspected that I would get this one. I was always careless and free (I tried at least), not worrying about the career or anything. I was proud of not being attached to any place, any job or country, travelling, changing, learning accordion, languages, tarot, reading, meeting people. But it occurred to me at last – I am 35, and I haven’t accomplished anything tangible. There are people ten years younger then me, already fulfilling their life, making money, being creative, happy, and I’m not even sure, what to do with myself. I fear that maybe that’s it. Haven’t found that, and never will.
Fear number Three – Poverty.
Not much to say here. I experienced lack of money, unemployment, even hunger. Maybe it’s fun when you are twenty, but later on it starts to bother you more. In the long run how many people actually never make it? Am I going to be one of them?
Fear number Four – Loneliness.
Perhaps this one should be the first. Sometimes I feel like this is the root of all my dissatisfaction. If I had my “crew”, the other things wouldn’t bother me that much. I’ve got a practical experience – the happiest, easiest moments in my life were while surrounded by carrying people – friends, family. And I start to be afraid that maybe this is it – I already had all the friendship and love I was suppose to have, and nothing new is going to happen. Brr, that would be awful. I still dream about that tribe of mine.
Ufff... This was kind of relief. Once I wrote it, they are not so scary any more. There is always going to be a change, and the new things will always come. I need to open to it. That's all. I am a spirit. I will never vanish.
Sometimes I feel like Billy Chenovith from “Six Feet Under” - one day I hardly carry on with life, burdened with existential thoughts, hopelessness, loneliness, the next moment I have hundred ideas a minute, starting all of them at once, the day seems too short. I learn new tunes on accordion, start illustrating my short story, consider creating a comic book about a life of a foreigner in Copenhagen, learn Photoshop, and so on, and so on. I’m sure modern science has a name for it.
Well – why not to enjoy it while it lasts?
Labels: random stuff