Monday, 29 August 2011

Flying dreams


I start to think that I might be dissipointing the people who were counting on "Copenhagen adventures", and instead they get this random crap;)
But this is Hareskov forest, so I'm still in the range.
Anyway, I wont conceal that this blog is my small psychoterapy cave:P

* * *

update

I love those! Last night in the middle of the dream I realized that I was dreaming. I decided to chill out and have some fun - God knows I needed it - so I spent the whole night flying around. I went to Poland and England. It was so cool. I remember enjoying the freedom and rush of the cool air on my face. I laughed like a madman, twirling in the sky, shooting high, diving low. I knew that in reality I was laying in my bed and I was wandering if I laughed out loud and if so, if I was going to wake up Tania. But I didn't.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Dude



update

No mister smart ass today. I’ll be completely transparent.
The main question these days – who the fuck am I? The identity crisis in its heyday. I’m tired of myself. Frankly speaking I can’t stand myself at all. I wish I could just step out of this body and mind, and be someone else. I believe I’m in the transition right now and it gives me some comfort, but still the frustration is there.

Sometimes I think, what if I could go back in time, when I was 18. Would I make other choices? First of all I would know the value of one-pointed focus. If I started then, I could be so good in something by now. Good in what? I would definitely go into arts. That was my thing from the very beginning. I was just confused.

I don’t want to be a moaner. I would like to take some practical steps, but I’m in the dark here. Without a guide, without support, without someone who would believe in me, who would see in me the things I’m trying to see myself – the artist, seeker, creative, sensitive person. Instead, I’m alone, without direction, without vision, with the indifferent, cold world out there.
I know that I will be able to get the pieces together just by myself, but I’m pissed off that I have to do it alone, struggle, waste time, go around in circles.

I wish I could meet someone who went trough all these, who has an artist inside, spirituality, who is more mature then me, more serious, experienced, but also chilled out, with great sense of humour. I so fucking miss good company.

In some sense I’m proud of being a person deep enough to have this kind of tribulations. But on the other hand I’m just not happy with myself. I’m sick of my total inadequacy, flaws and constant need of other people – like a child who always seeks to be defined by others. I’ve had enough of that crap. But also I understand where it comes from – out of piercing loneliness. Hence the neediness, clinginess.

I have all these things inside I wanna share, but there is nobody who gets me. And I have this hunger to get into others' minds, to drink their thoughts, feelings and ideas. But it feels like the people who surround me, they live in other dimension – in the world which doesn’t interest me, world of the flat conversations, shallow interests, imitations. Where the fuck are the other people? The folks full of the storms, dilemmas, creative fire, fresh, personal vision and hunger for fullness?Are they dead already? Died 100 years ago?

I used to pray for a peace – I mean inner peace, not the peace in the world:). I was completely honest about that. But now I don’t care that much. Life is always going to be a mess, there is no peace, just an eternal movement, flow. Now I miss people. My people. So we could talk until morning, come up with creative ideas, share our souls, get drunk, get sober, cycle around without purpose, have no secrets, make love (or however you call that thing friends do), grow together, expand…

Yeap. So that’s what those guys meant, when they wrote about the existential crisis. It looked so much better in books.

Uncomfortability of life



I just needed a simpler and easier form for the quick punchlines. Not that I have them flowing uncontrollingly out of my head (rather opposite), but at least I am ready now. Smart punchlines - come!

Monday, 22 August 2011

Subjective reality contra objective reality



I'm watching Six Feet Under again (the best tv show ever made, by the way) and in today's episode Nate gets one of those Harley-Davidson bikes as a gift from a biker widow. In the last scene he just bikes away from the troubles (his aneurism is getting worse, Brenda is turning into a cold bitch, he has a crush on that Jewish rabbi-girl - general identity, existential crisis and stuff). It was a nice scene, that's all:)

Saturday, 20 August 2011

God-intended globalization



This is God-intended globalization: a Polish guy cycling in Copenhagen, listening to flamenco, eating pizza, reading Bhagavad-gita, playing Russian songs and loving Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Not that so called “free market” bullshit.
I know I'm writing a lot about myself, but if you turn a blind eye on my egocentrism, you might see valid points here. I love cultural mixing. There is so much good stuff out there, that one life isn't enough to explore all of it. Probably because of that I will have to take few more births here and there, to enjoy my favorite places.
PS. In real life I don't play guitar, but I can assure you that in my dreams I'm better then Santana :P

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Pioneers of anticipation



Since I've been accused of ambiguity and vagueness, here I go: in 80's there was this space probe sent into cosmos with a message for the rational inhabitants of the Universe other then us - humans (not that we are that rational anyway, but that's not the point). Its name was Pioneer, and this cartoon resembles a part of that message, hence "Pioneers of anticipation" (anticipating some interesting events in their sad life). Since I couldn't come up with any even remotely funny idea, and I have grown very fond of those two little, silly shadows, I've decided to go for it, even if it doesn't make any sense. Still, bear with me, please. There are going to be better days.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

New job

After the job hunt that lasted about four or five months, yesterday I got hired as a chef in a new, vegetarian restaurant opening in Copenhagen. It is definitely exciting, though equally scary event; new responsibilities, new people, learning time. Am I up for a challenge? Ready for a new role?



Monday, 15 August 2011

The Silent Place



update

The mystics and poets call it the Dark Night of the Soul. The time when you are absolutely alone, don’t see the horizons you used to see, don’t feel the supportive arms you used to feel, everything is a pure void of expectation. And you are humbled by the experience of this cosmic event in your life. Without control, vision, warmth.
I’m not depressed (I used to be, so I know the feeling). I am just this small bright spark in the dark, waiting for the dawn. I don’t know who am I going to be when I emerge on the other side of the shadows. This is both scary and exciting.

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Sexist bastard



The actual conversation went more or less like this:
- This is about us!
- Not true. It's just some abstract stuff...
- No, I can see! And you always make me look stupid. You sexist bastard!

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Aye!

Aye, the stormy life! How boring would you be, if everything went smooth...



update

What’s up on my little, flickering planet? How is the life between the worlds? Have I spotted my lighthouse or I’m still on my own, fighting the destiny on this storm-tossed ship? The icy salty drops freeze on my unshaven cheeks, my hands hang on tightly to the helm, and the laughing waves keep teasing me, throwing angry fish at my face.

I miss childhood. That happy time when I could just take a shelter of dusty, honey-sweet books. I swallowed them in the dark attic, lit only by the caring golden arms of sun reaching through the small windows. Jules Verne and Ray Bradbury, my two best friends, I owe you so much! The world was crashing out there; dad’s drinking, school problems, and stuff, but I didn’t mind – I was pioneering Mars, journeying around the world in 80 days, deciphering the ancient messages telling me how to find a treasure or discover the secrets of the long gone people of Atlantis. Aye!

And I am still that child. Only now I don’t read that much.

Friday, 12 August 2011

Busking Metaphysics



(Or the loser’s guide to a street art)

I’ll be straightforward here – I haven’t really felt like busking today. I haven’t done that full time for a couple of years now, and those few times I had, have been quite awful. Still, the lean years came, and my love and me, we faced a weekend (for starters) without a single penny and with a completely empty fridge. Basically I was forced to the streets, if you will.

Ok, for those of you who haven’t got a clue, I will explain few things concerning my experience with the street performance:
1. Busking isn’t easy.
2. Busking in Copenhagen is particularly not easy.
3. Busking when you are not very good (here I come) is even less easy.
4. Busking with an instrument that doesn’t have a good name* is not…
Right, you’ve got the idea.

Then you have some inner issues you need to face. It works like this:

1. First you have to find “the Place”. Not any place will do. It has to be perfect. But when you really don’t feel like playing, you will discover to your amazement that all the perfect spots are already taken, whereas the ones that aren’t, are basically unusable: too much street traffic, too much noise, too many (or too few) people, the shop owner gives you a frown, the weird lady stares at you, something smells bad (yeah, it’s your attitude, mate), and so on, and so on.

2. Then, if in some miraculous way you manage to find a spot, there comes the rough part – playing and singing. You know that you suck, it’s not a big secret to you, but in a few moments everyone will know, and that will hurt.
In such a situation, if you don’t want to be a sad loser making a fool out of yourself, you have to be a happy loser, making a fool of yourself with a heart. And believe me, it’s not a piece of cake, especially if you are broke and possibly hungry. But it’s still doable. How? Well… You just have to keep trying. If you try hard enough, you might find inside yourself the soundtrack for your tragic adventures. And that will give you ability to look at yourself from outside. And then you can laugh.

PS. Eventually I haven’t found a right spot. All the good ones were taken:)

* You may ask, how the hell such or such an instrument can have a bad name. I’m asking the same question myself! For God’s sake, this is just an accordion - a beautiful musical device meant for a pleasure, not a tool of damnation! Don’t stare at me like I am Antichrist himself!

Thursday, 11 August 2011

You know... this good feeling inside

Nothing particular. I was just riding a bike yesterday, rushing through some random streets, and I could really feel that hippie spirit waking up inside:P
I feel deeply connected with this city, even if it is unreciprocated love.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

A matter of words

I was dumpster diving in Valby yesterday (well, life has its ups and downs for everyone;) and I thought it is a perfect material for a cartoon.


Tuesday, 9 August 2011

That's why...



I don't know if everyone/anyone gets it (though I hope older generations do:). Basically Andersen wrote those poetic, lyrical, often sad stories, which made your heart soft. The Brothers Grimm on the other hand were like Graham Masterton for kids. Some of the stories they did, could really mess up with your head. Actually I loved both.

Monday, 8 August 2011

Tree hugger


The Answer

More or less that was my experience from today's visit to a shrink:)



Sunday, 7 August 2011

After a job interview

What do you do after a job interview which definitely could have gone better? Lay down for a while and think about how everything that happens, happens for a reason :P





update

As a humanist I tend to go on at length about my thoughts and feelings. When you use too many words, the wit gets lost on the way and people don’t care to read you (not that anyone reads this blog any way). So I found out that itemizing helps me to stay focus.
So here is my day:

1. Job interview – well I didn’t exactly ace it. I’ll be frank: I wasn’t really prepared, but how the hell should I have known that my potential boss is Gordon Ramsay of the vegetarian cuisine?! I felt like an idiot when he asked me what exactly do I put in a mojo sauce or what are the main principles of the raw food (I guess I shouldn’t have said “not being cooked”).

2. Blind date with my paisanos – I found on internet that some of my countryman plan to meet in the park for a drink, and they invite anyone to join. I went there straight after the interview. It was awful. They talked about mortgages, salaries, taxes and even retirement plans! Eventually I pretended that I go to a toilet and run away.
Come on! Where is my tribe? I need to talk to people about things that matter: who we are, how we are changing, what we are looking for, who is God (or is there any?), what is love, where are its boundaries…

3. After escaping the “everyday people”, I rode a bike through Copenhagen. On the way I bought a bottle of Chardonnay (35 dkk), bread (4 dkk) and cheese (10 dkk). Chardonnay is ok, but when you pay 15 dkk for a meal, you might be sure, it will taste like a shit. Still I’m not hungry any more, so that's ok.

4. I am little bit drunk. I sit at my favourite place by the Østerport, by the polar bear.

5. I asked some lonely guy to finish the wine with me. His name is Julian, lovely person, French mate, landscape engineer, having holidays in Denmark. We talked about life, love, God, everything basically. It was really exhilarating.

6. Then I cycled home. Rushing trough the city I listened to a rough reggae and thought about unity. It was really nice. Setting sun, fluffy clouds, people on bikes, dogs on leashes, and I felt that unity, I swear. Even the hot girls in mini skirts felt like a part of me, not just a pretty things to look at.

How to get a bike in Copenhagen - part 1





Job hunting in Copenhagen



update

Loser's weekend
It goes like this:

1. Your life centres mostly around the internet activities. And since other people have a life, your activities are not very interactive - clicking Facebook, emails, forums with a frequency which creates a closed loop of clicking. It is completely fruitless and infertile activity.

2. You try to get your housemates to go out for a drink. They agree, showing enthusiasm, but then avoid you, hiding in their rooms, eventually watching a loud movie together without inviting you. You don't really enjoy their happy laughs you hear through the wall.

3. You eat at least every hour. In one day you finish: one jar of peanut butter, one round of cheese, a loaf of bread, bag of potatoes (1kg), two whole leeks (sliced and placed on the cheese), two sneakers and around four sodas.

4. You make a comic strip, put it on internet and when no one comments, you let the dark thoughts about your dorkness and low self-esteem overcome you and bring to a level of a sobbing mess (ok, I wasn't sobbing, I've just said that for the dramatic effect)

5. The highlights of the day - neighbours having very noisy sex by the window oposit to yours. You could actually see a moving piece of someone's leg and hip.

6. Eeee... That's it.

PS. And then you read this blog entry about fifty times, looking for the spelling errors, rephrasing the sentences to make them more intelligent and ironic, thinking how other people will perceive you (will they think that you are funny or maybe they take you for a real loser?).

It's bedtime.

Fart joke


History versus myth


What's wrong with France?!


Adams æbler


Philosophical criticism of existential thought


Venus and the Thinker


Random stuff


update

When I was a kid I loved that one movie about the scouts, and I dreamt about becoming one. You know; brotherhood, adventure, competition.

My first attempt was a disaster – on the first scouts meeting, couple of guys and me, we started to play with the fire extinguisher. I dropped it, which set it off, and the foam covered all the walls (and the school had just got freshly painted). I got fired.

Few years later I decided to give it another try. This time I had a hidden agenda – I was in love with that beautiful girl from the older grade, who was a scout too. So we went to a scout camp, but then instead of trying to win her heart, I was so nervous, that I got drunk with older boys, and spent all night telling them gothic stories, I had read in Poe’s books. I guess I was more of a reader then an achiever. When the next day we came back home, I signed off.

Was I romantic or really, really dorky?




update

Falafel guy

There is nothing like a big, greasy falafel, when you are cycling in the city. The guy who served it looked really pissed off, but then I realized that Ramadan has started, so that poor fellow will have his first bite not until the late evening.

The day is sunny and bright, people look chilled out (apart from that hungry falafel guy).

Danish folks spread all over the graveyard (Assistens Kirkegård), laying down, drinking wine, kissing. I like this approach to a place, where dead people live (I mean stay. Or whatever). “Let’s have a joint and make love as long as we can, because soon we will join these guys”.

* * *
There is so much stuff changing in my life lately, that sometimes it’s scary. I don’t mean external changes, but consciousness. It is like watching a birth – exciting, beautiful and definitely messy.
At this point I am open for any change the life will offer. It feels cool.




update

Facing my fears? Wow. I never do this. Maybe I should start.

Fear number One – Losing sanity.
Yeah, seriously. I am a quite fragile person, sensitive to everything, worrying too much. For example I try to be a social activist; I publish an anarchist zin, participate in the protests, etc. But then all that crap from the world gets into my heart so deep, that I’m just getting more and more angry, and then more and more sad. And then I have to stop for a while, because I just go crazy.
Yes, this is my biggest fear – that the world will crash my mind.

Fear number Two – Unaccomplishment.
Oh yes, this is a biggie too. I never suspected that I would get this one. I was always careless and free (I tried at least), not worrying about the career or anything. I was proud of not being attached to any place, any job or country, travelling, changing, learning accordion, languages, tarot, reading, meeting people. But it occurred to me at last – I am 35, and I haven’t accomplished anything tangible. There are people ten years younger then me, already fulfilling their life, making money, being creative, happy, and I’m not even sure, what to do with myself. I fear that maybe that’s it. Haven’t found that, and never will.

Fear number Three – Poverty.
Not much to say here. I experienced lack of money, unemployment, even hunger. Maybe it’s fun when you are twenty, but later on it starts to bother you more. In the long run how many people actually never make it? Am I going to be one of them?

Fear number Four – Loneliness.
Perhaps this one should be the first. Sometimes I feel like this is the root of all my dissatisfaction. If I had my “crew”, the other things wouldn’t bother me that much. I’ve got a practical experience – the happiest, easiest moments in my life were while surrounded by carrying people – friends, family. And I start to be afraid that maybe this is it – I already had all the friendship and love I was suppose to have, and nothing new is going to happen. Brr, that would be awful. I still dream about that tribe of mine.

Ufff... This was kind of relief. Once I wrote it, they are not so scary any more. There is always going to be a change, and the new things will always come. I need to open to it. That's all. I am a spirit. I will never vanish.




update

Sometimes I feel like Billy Chenovith from “Six Feet Under” - one day I hardly carry on with life, burdened with existential thoughts, hopelessness, loneliness, the next moment I have hundred ideas a minute, starting all of them at once, the day seems too short. I learn new tunes on accordion, start illustrating my short story, consider creating a comic book about a life of a foreigner in Copenhagen, learn Photoshop, and so on, and so on. I’m sure modern science has a name for it.
Well – why not to enjoy it while it lasts?